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Laundromat

A musical written by Justin Gray

ACT I

(SUSAN, a Laundromat worker, enters with a large bottle of bleach in her hand.)

SUSAN: You know, it’s not easy working at a Laundromat. Now, I know what you’re thinking. How can you be insightful about a Laundromat? True, it may not be the most glamorous job, but you gotta be willing to get down and dirty…and that’s what I like about it.

SONG #1: Laundromat

SUSAN: SOMETIMES WHEN I AM LONLEY AND NEED A FRIEND

I CAN GO SOMEWHERE WHERE THE WASHING NEVER ENDS

LAUNDROMAT….YOU’RE A FINE AND DELACATE THING

LAUNDROMAT…YOU MAKE ME WANT TO SING

OF A PLACE THAT I CAN GET ALL MY CLOTHES WASHED

IN ONE OF THE MOST BORING DISPLAYS THAT YOU’VE EVER WATCHED

IN A LAUNDROMAT!

(A CUSTOMER, who had been reading a magazine comes and stands next to SUSAN and begins to sing)

CUSTOMER: I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN…I WAS ALL ALONE

I HAD NO FRIENDS, I HAD NO LIFE, NO ONE THAT LOVED ME

ALL I DID WAS SIT ON MY COUCH AND GET FAT!

BUT I FOUND A SAVIOR IN THE LOCAL LAUNDROMAT!

LAUNDROMAT….YOU’RE A FINE AND DELICATE THING

LAUNDROMAT…YOU MAKE ME WANT TO SING

OF A PLACE THAT I CAN GET ALL MY CLOTHES WASHED

IN ONE OF THE MOST BORING DISPLAYS YOU’VE EVER WATCHED

IN A LAUNDROMAT!

(Other customers begin to sing and dance around the Laundromat)

MEN: LAUNDROMAT                                    WOMEN:

            ………………..                              YOU’RE A FINE AND DELICATE THING

           LAUNDROMAT                              ………………

          ………………….                                YOU MAKE ME WANT TO SING

ALL: OF A PLACE THAT I CAN GET ALL MY CLOTHES WASHED
IN ONE OF THE MOST BORING DISPLAYS YOU’VE EVER WATCHED

AT THE….

GROUP: (Like barbershop group) Laundromat….Laundromat…Laundromat

(Groups then begin singing the chorus in a round…continues as long as desired)

ALL: IN THE LAUNDROMAT!!!!!!

(CUSTOMERS look at each other and then go back to what they were doing)

(BULL, the boss of the Laundromat, walks in and over to Susan)

BULL: Susan…you’ve been working here for three weeks and already you have turned this place into a carnival!

SUSAN: Bull!

BULL: No…that is not Bull!

SUSAN: No…I mean your name…it is Bull isn’t it.

BULL: No! I’m not lying to you!

SUSAN: I mean…you know.

BULL: Oh…I see! My actual name is Bull! Yes…it is. You need to talk more clearly in the future to avoid confusion.

SUSAN: Oh! Sorry! Us Laundromat workers aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed!

BULL: Susan, that’s exactly what I don’t like to hear. Just because you work at a Laundromat does not make you dumb. You need to have more confidence. You need to be more…I don’t know…I shouldn’t be lecturing you…it’s not my place.

SUSAN:  Bull! Don’t worry about it. I know you were just trying to be nice.

BULL: Really?

SUSAN: Yeah.

BULL: I’m sorry…it’s just that sometimes I can get a little carried away, that’s all.

(A CUSTOMER walks over to THEM)

CUSTOMER: Excuse me. I was wondering if you had any more bleach.

(BULL begins to fume and then bursts out)

BULL: Why don’t you just be patient! Do you think we can read your mind and serve your every whim? No! We can’t. SO if you waited just two more goddamn minutes you would’ve had your damn bleach. (Grabs the bleach out of Susan’s hand) You want some bleach?

CUSTOMER: Yes…I did ask for it.

BULL: Well…since you asked so kindly…here! (Takes the bleach and dumps it on top of CUSTOMER)

CUSTOMER: (disgusted) Why…you…I’m calling the police! (EXITS)

SUSAN: Bull? What did you do that for?

BULL: (now calm) Sorry…I told you. Sometimes I get a little carried away.

SUSAN: I can see that!

BULL: (bursting again) WHAT YOU BITCH?

SUSAN: (taken aback) Uhh…nothing. I said nothing.

BULL: (calm again) Oh. Sorry.

SUSAN: (trying to get out) I’m going to…go back and check the wiring… (LEAVES)

BULL: (to himself) I’m a turn-off…I just know it. But I wasn’t always this way! I used to have friends. I used to be liked. But look at me now. I work in a Laundromat. Some people say that at least I’m the boss…but I don’t know…I’m confused.

                                                      SONG #2: Lonely Child

BULL: I WAS JUST A LONELY CHILD
DOING WHAT LONELY CHILDREN DO

SURE I HAD SOME FRIENDS

BUT AS YOU KNOW

THAT SOON ENDS

I WAS JUST A LONELY CHILD

WORKING AT A LAUNDROMAT

JUST A WAY TO WASTE MY TIME

A WAY TO SPEND MY LIFE

IN A WORLD THAT DIDN’T LOVE ME

(A lone spotlight shines on BULL as tears form in his eyes)

I WAS JUST A LONELY CHILD

SECURITY ONLY FOUND IN A LAUNDROMAT

THEN SOME SAY MY TEMPER FORMED

(Heavy rock tempo forms)

HEY! WHY DON’T YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS

HEY! STAY AWAY FROM ME!
I’M WASHIN’ MY CLOTHES

AND DRYING MY ROBES

‘CAUSE I WORK AT A LAUNDROMAT!

(Back to mellow tone)

I WAS JUST A LONELY CHILD

(a WOMAN comes up to BULL)

WOMAN: You know…that was a really bad song. I don’t feel sorry for you at all!

BULL: Maybe not…but you’ll sure be sorry for sayin’ that! (chases her off)

(SUSAN, who sees that BULL is gone comes back out. Two POLICE OFFICERS walk in. SHANK, a rookie cop who is still taking notes, and TREY, a black veteran cop unhappy with his partner.)

SUSAN: Yes? Can I help you officers?

(A slight hesitation as TREY urges SHANK on)

SHANK: (uneasy) Umm…yes miss. We had a complaint about one of the employees here.

SUSAN: What do you mean?

TREY: Very simple, Miss. Allow me to introduce myself. I am officer Milton Trey and this is my partner (shudder) Henry Shank. We like to call him Lamb.

SUSAN: Lamb?

SHANK: Yeah. Lamb Shank…you know…(uneasy laugh)

SUSAN: (sarcastic) Cute. Now what is the problem, officers?

TREY: Well…quite simply, Miss, a woman came into the station and complained that a large male who apparently works here, smothered her with bleach and then tried to kill her. Do you know where this person may be?

SUSAN: Oh. Bull.

TREY: No, Miss. We’re telling you the truth.

SUSAN: No. BULL!

SHANK: Do we need to let her talk to us like that?

TREY: Now listen to me, Miss…

SUSAN: Susan…just call me Susan.

TREY: Susan. We are telling you the truth.

SUSAN: I mean…the person you are looking for is Bull. His name is Bull!

SHANK: Oh! We should’ve known that!

TREY: Do you know where he might be at the moment?

SUSAN: He just left. I don’t know when he’ll be back. Probably sometime soon.

SHANK: (to TREY) Well? He’s not here! What are we going to do?

TREY: We are going to wait for him right here.

SUSAN: Fine! Can I get you anything?

SHANK: No…nothing for me-

TREY: Yes…please. WE’LL have two coffees and some donuts.

SUSAN: Okay…I’ll go get them. (EXITS)

SHANK: But I didn’t want anything!

TREY: Now listen to me, Rookie. You’re a cop now. You gotta have coffee and donuts! I think it’s against the rules not to!

SHANK: What are you talking about? There is no rule like that!

TREY: Wanna try me?

 SHANK: No! It’s just that is hard to believe that there is a mandatory clause in our contracts that describes you as an insubordinate if coffee and donuts are not consumed.

TREY: What the hell you talking about? Clauses? The only Clause I know is Mrs. Clause…and my…is she fine!

SHANK: Mrs. Clause? Like Santa’s wife?

TREY: Yeah…

SHANK: But you can’t do Santa’s wife…it’s…unethical.

TREY: She also don’t exist, Lamb.

SHANK: What?! Don’t say that!

TREY: (shaking his head) Lamb…you are so naïve. Boy, there is a lot you need to be taught…

SONG #3: Young Boy

TREY: (heavy soulful and rhythmic) YOUNG BOY….

THERE IS A LOT YOU MUST LEARN

YOUNG BOY…

ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES AND THE HI DIDDLE DEE DEES

SHANK: Hi Diddle Dee Dees?

TREY: Don’t stop me…I’m on a roll…(sung) YOUNG BOY…

NOW JUST LISTEN TO ME

YOUNG BOY…

(spoken) Okay…now you are going to pretend that I am a hot woman and you want to go out with me!

SHANK: What?! Why?

TREY: Okay! (emulating woman’s voice…taunting) YOUNG BOY…

DON’T YOU WANT TO FEEL ME?

YOUNG BOY…

WANT TO RUB ME?

THERE IS A LOT OF ME TO GO AROUND

SO TAKE A PIECE OF MY MEAT

AND I MIGHT MAKE A SENSUAL SOUND!!

SHANK: Euww!

TREY: Play along!

SHANK: Okay! (sung, playing along…talking about the butt) GRADE A
CHOICE BEEF!

FRESH CATCH!

FROM THE BEST REEF!

I WANT

A PIECE TO CALL MY OWN!

A PIECE OF YOU!

SHANK: Oh my god! That was so gay!

TREY: Hey…we’re in a Laundromat…don’t make fun of gays!

(A gay guy walk over to them)

GAY: (heavy lisp, stereotypical) Hey, you! Don’t make fun of Gays, okay!

SHANK: No…I wasn’t…

GAY: Us gays are people too…

SONG#4: The Gays on Parade

GAY: WE’RE GAYS…THERE’S NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT!

WE’RE GAYS LET ME HEAR YOU CRY OUT LOUD!
WITH A G

ALL: G

GAY: AND AN A

ALL: A

GAY: AND A Y

ALL: Y

GAY: WHAT’S THAT SPELL?

ALL: (embarrassed) Uh…mm…

GAY: WELL I’LL TELL YOU! GAY!

ALL: uhh…

GAY: GAY!

ALL: GAY!!
WE’RE GAYS…GAYS ON PARADE!!!

WE WILL MARCH THROUGH YOUR HOUSE

WITH OUR PARADE!

GAYS ON PARADE!

GAYS ON PARADE!

WE WILL MARCH INTO YOUR HOME

FIND A MATE AND MARCH UP HIS

SUSAN: But…oh never mind!

ALL: GAYS! GAYS!

GAY: GAYS ON PARADE!

SHANK: I’m outta here!

TREY: Me too! (exit)

SUSAN: Well…maybe things will begin to calm down now…

(A MAN comes up to SUSAN)

MAN: Excuse me…I’m having a lot of trouble getting this machine to work.

SUSAN: Yeah?

MAN: Well…I was wondering if you could fix it!

SUSAN: Well…okay…you can wonder.

MAN: Miss! I demand service!

SUSAN: AND I DEMAND RESPECT!

MAN: What?

SUSAN: I’m tired of this! I don’t know a thing about washing machines! I just work here! It’s not much…but I’ll tell you what I know!

SONG#5: Cycles

SUSAN: THERE IS NOT MUCH TO A WASHING MACHINE

NOT THAT MUCH AT ALL!

BUT WITH MY LIMITED KNOWLEDGE

THERE IS ALMOST NOTHING AT ALL

SPIN CYCLE

DRY CYCLE

PERMANENT PRESS

FAST CYCLE

SLOW CYCLE

SAY IT AGAIN

THAT’S ALL I KNOW OF AND I KNOW IT AIN’T MUCH

BUT THAT’S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU WORK IN A LAUNDROMAT!

ALL: WE ALL AGREE! WE ARE AS DUMB AS THEE! WE KNOW NOTHING HA HA HA! TEE-HEE!

SPIN CYCLE

DRY CYCLE

PERMANENT PRESS

FAST CYCLE
SLOW CYCLE
SAY IT AGAIN!

THAT’S ALL WE KNOW OF AND WE KNOW IT AIN’T MUCH

BUT WE DON’T NEED TO KNOW THAT SINCE WE DON’T WORK IN A LAUNDROMAT!

(IRISH TENOR walks in)

IRISH TENOR: WASHING MACHINES! REMIND ME OF THE OLD COUNTRY! THE POVERTY!
THE HEARTACHE!

OH MARIA I MISS YOU! AND I MISS LITTLE LIZA TOO! BUT WHAT WOULD I DO, IF I DIDN’T HAVE ACCESS TO…

ALL: SPIN CYCLE

DRY CYCLE

PERMANENT PRESS
FAST CYCLE
SLOW CYCLE
SAY IT AGAIN

THAT’S ALL WE KNOW OF AND WE KNOW IT AIN’T MUCH!

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