Three Medieval Carols and One Fast Food Restaurant
Written by Justin Gray
brought to you in startling BLOOD RED!!
(LOMAR, a king of a great manor, namely a McDonald’s located in the Boonies, stands over his workers, or as he calls them, his servants. In the group is DYLAN, a not too bright young man, and a quite unattractive girl, LANA, who’s IQ is quite impressive. Throughout the play, all cast affects a stereotypical Shakespearian accent.)
LOMAR: Oh! Thy servants cometh! Thou Pay Cheques are in our presence.
DYLAN: (Sounding dumb) Oh, my car-eth I can put some gas betwixt.
LOMAR: But first, go hither to making Chicken McNugget foods.
DYLAN: Aye! What a poor excuse I am! The Virgin Mother has frowned upon me! Mane nobis cum domine!
LOMAR: What be-ith thy quarrel?
DYLAN: I need sterling sub woofer-eths for this poor heated fellow’s car. (points to himself)
LOMAR: Be gone from my sight, foul fiend! I bestow gifts upon you, yet you turn-eth against me! Mutiny! Treason! I shall have you whipped!
LANA: Stop-eth this nonsense-eth!
LOMAR: The girl speaks!
LANA: I feel-th for thy fellow employee of thou. Thy mighty hand of glory be not none that I can stand-th it! Cast off your façade of strength and bestow the legions of workers their dignity.
LOMAR: (to DYLAN) What the hell-ith is she talking about-st?
LANA: You know damn well-st! I cannot find it in thou heart!
LANA: I can’t-st find love in thou heart.
LOMAR: I’ve heard enough! Make-set more McFries!
(Reluctantly LANA goes back to her duties making fries.)
(A boy that is working the drive through appears, complete with a headset, we will call him JESTER, as LOMAR calls him…)
JESTER: (talking into drive through microphone) Thou desires one Cheese Burger-eth and medium Coke drink? Wouldst thou like-eth fries with that?
(he finishes his order)
LOMAR: Jester! It is you! Play for thee! Jester games make-eth a happy customer-th.
JESTER: I would not like to play for thee at thine moment!
LOMAR: (Angrily) You must! Now-eth!
JESTER: Oh…alright-eth! (SUNG)
I am thou jester hee hee hee
I am here to sing for thee
With a tra la la
And a tra la lee
I am the Jester
Here to sing for thee
LOMAR: (clapping his hand) I like-th that one very much-eth. Another!
JESTER: (Reluctantly) Now-eth, a soliloquy for thoust enjoyment.
He hath cast the gloomy shadows against the light, for he who know-st what I know-st will be disdained. The shadows recede into thy self, for I would like-eth not to be afraid.
LOMAR: That sucked-ith. Thou art fired!
(A CUSTOMER comes in and LOMAR goes to serve him)
LOMAR: Welcome-th to McDonald’s. Canst I take thou order?
CUSTOMER: Such an order is not necessary-eth. I need-th some catsup for thy fries.
LOMAR: No problem-eth. (he searches for the catsup and is unable to find it. He looks angrily over to DYLAN) Servant boy, where art thy maiden catsup?
DYLAN: Did-st you try-eth looking under the counter-eth?
LOMAR: Of course, moron-ith!
DYLAN: Then we must-th be out.
CUSTOMER: Out? Out? I have been plotted against! I feel-th thy heart caving in! I feel-th light-headed. You will be sorry-eth! I challenge-eth you to a duel!
LOMAR: Accepted foolish man! However-eth, you must battle thy best man, DYLAN!
LOMAR: You must fight-eth this man!
CUSTOMER: (Now revealing a sword tucked away under his shirt. He pulls it out.) Now is thy time that thou die!
DYLAN: (Screeching) Die-eth? Not now-eth! I am too young-ist to die-th!
LOMAR: Surrender use to this! (LOMAR throws DYLAN a broom)
CUSTOMER: We have chosen thy weapons! Now, we fight-eth.
(A duel ensues; the CUSTOMER attacks viciously while DYLAN defends himself with the broom with a surprising amount of skill. The fight goes on for a while. Finally, there is a break in the action and both men are gasping for breath and covered with a film of sweat.)
CUSTOMER: You fight well-th.
DYLAN: You ain’t so bad-th thyself!
CUSTOMER: Pity, that is is high time for thou to perish!
(The CUSTOMER moves like lightning and slashes the sword directly into DYLAN’S gut. The wound bleeds horribly and DYLAN crumples to the ground)
CUSTOMER: (Sheathing his sword) Thy work here is done.
LOMAR: (tending to DYLAN) Don’t die-st! You are to young-st! I don’t dream of speaking to the FBI! Please-th! Nooooooo!
DYLAN: (speaking slowly, in pain) It is a sad day for us all! A sad, sad day! A day when thou’s valor has failed, and evil hearted men have triumphed. Do not avenge me! You will only cause thyself more harm…heed thy words…(He dies)
(LOMAR, still hunched over DYLAN’S limp body turns to CUSTOMER with a look of pure evil.)
LOMAR: Thou-st will perish for this! (LOMAR pulls out a dagger that was tucked in his pants.)
( A chase follows. The customer stays ahead the whole time. Finally, LOMAR corners the customer and points the dagger at his throat)
LOMAR: Thou day of death is imminent. (LOMAR takes the dagger and shoves it in CUSTOMER’S throat. The CUSTOMER gags and dies instantly)
LOMAR: (covered with blood) I have done-eth a good deed. I have avenged my ally!
(LANA comes over to the scene, as soon as she sees what happens, she collapses by the CUSTOMER’S body)
LANA: Thou art dead! Who hath done such horrid a deed?
LOMAR: I hath killed this man. What make you of it?
LANA: You hath killed my father! The fellow who raised-eth me! How could-eth you??
LOMAR: I-I-I’m sorry-eth! Now I know-st why Dylan conferred with thou about revenge! Blast me! Blast me and all my evils! I have sinned! (Holding the dagger to his heart) I shall not live in such hell! Take me He who’s love is eternal! Take me! (LOMAR stabs himself in the heart and dies, his body falling on top of the customers)
LANA: (hunched over the dead bodies) Why? Why hath fate intervened? Why must-th good men perish! Who is left to make thy fries, or to take thou order? Who hath been like a father to me such a this man! I cannot bear it any longer! I must not live! I will take-eth the most potent poison-eth! (takes a chicken nugget and eats it) I already feel woozy! My life flash-eth before me! I now know I have done-eth the right thing! Father! Here I come-eth! (She dies in the same pile as the others)
(The JESTER walks in, he forgot to take his jacket. He sees the pile of dead people and rushes over to see them)
JESTER: Good lord in heaven-eth! Mmm! Chicken! (he takes a bite. Soon he too begins to stagger back like LANA just did. Soon he dies right in the pile.)
(A voice comes from the heavens. It must be that of GOD!)
GOD’S VOICE: What the heck-eth! Stop sending me people! Don’t Eat the McNuggets! Hey, can you here me? Yeah? Wow…I, uh…have this joke…tell me what you think. Okay…there’s a rabbi, a priest, and a blonde in an elevator…